I have decided I am going to become an inventor. No, really. 54 years old, I am changing my life’s direction and vocation. Here’s why, hay. Yup. I cannot stand hay in my bra and underwear one more day.

My horses may not like me as much. I am sure that one of the reasons they love me, besides all food comes from me, is associated with my lovely alfalfa aroma. After all, i don’t really have 36DD breasts, half that is hay from feeding this morning!

I am going into making hay suits. They will be a lot like hazmat suits. But, they have to have a sealable pocket for my phone. Well hey, I have to carry my phone out to feed. If I don’t I will lose out on my Samsung fitness app counting those steps! That’s about all I use my phone for now. The pocket has to seal airtight to keep out the hay though.

Timothy hay is bad, mostly because it gives me hives, then there is that pesky shortness of breath. My horses do not really care for it anyway. The hay suit would come in handy if I did get stuck with Timothy. But I really need it for the alfalfa. I am not even allergic to alfalfa, but that stuff gets every where. I can go out to feed in a long sleeved, high necked shirt, tight jeans, laced up boots, feed just 4 horses, and have hay in places my dr never sees!

After feeding the horses their hay, a 20 minute job at most, it takes me several hours to feel as though I am not wearing clothes made out of wool, nettles and barbed wire. That is after I have changed clothes and covered the bathroom floor with 2-3 flakes worth of hay chaff. Now I know why they call it chaff. I also know where the idea for barbed wire came from and why animals stay away from it.

Nothing like going on a cruise and getting frisky with the hubby and he wants to know why there is parsley in/on your lady parts. Trying to explain it is alfalfa when you haven’t been around a horse for 3 days and have showered several times, went snorkeling and swimming in one of the pools just doesn’t cut it. So you end up making up some weird crap about an article in cosmo about parsley and female hygiene. Who knows? It could be a thing, right? I have read weirder things there! I once saw an article in a cosmo that I thought was going to be cool. Going to be relevant to me and my life. Pony play is NOT what I thought. I was traumatized. Really.

So my hay suit will cover you from head to foot. So I can actually wash my hair before feeding. If you don’t understand why that is relevant you have never gotten alfalfa in damp/wet hair. It doesn’t come out. No I don’t add parsley to my hair either. Go stand in line at any feed store, all the women have green leaves in their hair unless they pay someone to feed for them or dependable green headed children.   So no more hay in my hair, got my sealable pocket for my phone. A hay knife on one of the Curley springy cord things. Respirator so I do not inhale dust and that chaff. Little rear view mirror so I can see that one horse that sneaks up behind me, you have one too, we all do. Non slip boots for when I step in fresh poo or mare pee). Why is mare pee slipperier and smells worse? Does it smell worse so maybe you won’t step in it and fall on your butt, or does it smell worse so when you fall in it everyone knows why you fell and what you fell in?) The suit will be easily rinsed off, no hair, hay or mare pee will stick to it.

So if you are driving by a pasture, see an astronaut out flinging hay to a bunch of fat entitled horses, stop and say hi.